Yeah, It Had A Hemi.
The entire conversation was carried out in Polish, so we’re not sure exactly what was said, but the sad facts speak for themselves. We had just received our Chrysler 300C test car, which was parked out side the Mopar Action & Lose Weight Now magazine offices. The non-English speaking Bruntczynowski (Brunt) Bros. were looking the car over, sticking their fingers up the exhaust pipes and all and doing all the ridiculous thing that the Brunt Bros. generally do.
They were looking through an old issue of Mopar Action, and were referring to their English-Polish dictionary and “Fun With Phonics” book. They were pointing at the pictures, then pointing at our 300C and holding their sides, laughing.
We didn’t think anything of it at the time, as the Brunt Bros. were always looking at Rick Ehrenberg’s (his stage name) tech articles, referring to their translation dictionary, holding their sides and laughing. But,we should have suspected something when the receptionist announced that a Polish rocket scientist, Markov Grubelinski, was looking for the notorious brothers. We didn’t notice the raised hood on the 300C, or the big blue nitrous bottle covered over by a jacket on the back seat.
Our testing schedule called for the car to be run at our local track, Englishtown, for quarter-mile times. So, we figured all was in order when Niklaus and Wilhelm (Nick & Bill) made signs that they were going to the track.
Unbeknownst to us, Markov had whipped up a homemade nitrous system, using brake line hose to carry the juice through a hole that he punched through the cold air intake hose. To richen the mixture, he filled the washer reservoir with gas line antifreeze (methanol) and wired the washer to activate when the nitrous button (the car’s horn) was hit. He’s gotten pretty good at this over the years.
All worked well. At the track, the Chrysler ran a best of 12.82, and raised some eyebrows, as it had gotten through tech as a bone-stock piece. However, on the way back to the office, some wise guy in a new Mustang thought he would eat the 300’s lunch. In the ensuing contest, the 300C hit the rev limiter and the gas shut off, but the Brunts failed to come off the horn (nitrous) button and never lifted. Kabalm! A huge fireball erupted through the hood, and the guy in the Mustang lifted. Wow! Yeah, It had a Hemi!
The Brunt Bros said (though an interpreter) that the test had to be aborted when the Check Engine Light came on. After they brought the car back, we asked them what happened to the hood and windshield. They just held up their dictionary, grabbed their sides and laughed.
So much for our 300C road test. We can hardly wait for our next test car from DaimlerChrysler—a farewell tribute. You know, Say ‘Bye To Neon!