So You Wanna Buy A Car


Ralph C. Craig had the hots for a ’69 440-6 Super Bee, similar to one like this, on eBay. But he’d be setting himself up for
some domestic issues.

The 440-6 Super Bee on eBay looks like a steal at $30K. And if you wife was a Mo’girl there’d be no problem. But she’s not. She has all she wants in her Honda CR-V, and you have had a nice modified A-body in your garage since before you got married that wifie has accepted. At least she’s not bugging you to sell it. You’re entitled to one toy—just one. You may have to scrape a little to come up with the dough for the ‘Bee, but you can manage. So you may have to eat McDonald’s Value Meals for the next 17 years. It’ll be worth it.  You’re not supporting a son in college (he dropped out), and the mortgage payment isn’t breaking your back. So how can you pull off the buy without the little woman running to a divorce lawyer? Here are several strategies that may or may not work.

Be honest, tell her up front what you want to do. The upside is that you get it off your chest and don’t have to slink around feeling guilty that you’re hiding a dirty little secret. You may have other dirty little secrets to hide, but that’s your business. You don’t need a 6-Pack Super Bee to add to your baggage. The downside to this is that it opens the door to endless arguments. Why do you need another car, you already have a toy. The money could be better spent remodeling the bathroom, or a new color roof. We could use new appliances in the kitchen the ones we have are already 3 years old… and on and on. It can get so bad that you’re tempted to sell your Duster just to shut her up…or get a roll of duct tape and deal with the legal ramifications later.

Don’t be honest. Lie about the price. “Hi Honey, there’s a guy selling a 6-Pack Super Bee who is really desperate. He needs $2500 right now and is willing to part with the car. It needs nothing, and I can flip it for an easy 40 grand so we can get new bathroom, kitchen appliances and a new color roof for starters.” ‘Course, the deal here is you’ll be dragging your feet to flip the ‘Bee and you’ll have to come up with more excuses as to why it’s taking so long. We’ll cover that at another time.

Lie even more. “Hi Honey, guess what I won in the Mopar Action Giveaway Contest? Blah, blah, blah.” Or, “Remember my good buddy Frank” Well, he died and left me one of his cars in his will.” Just tell Frank not to come around anymore. Or, “There’s a car I’d really like to have and it won’t cost us a cent. All I have to do is donate one of my kidneys to the guy.” You’ll have to feign a short hospital stay to pull off this one. Promise her other kidney to pay for new kitchen appliances, and your third for the new roof.  

Another strategy is to avoid a confrontational situation entirely. Buy the car and stash it in your buddy’s garage. All you’ll have to do then is figure out excuses as to why you’re away from home so much. “Hi honey, Joe asked me to help him restore a new car he bought. I owe him a bunch of favors, so I’ll be giving him a hand in his garage.” Or, you’ve joined a Mopar club and they have a “club car” that everyone can share. But that still leaves the problem of where to stash the car. You could always rent a remote garage, but then you’ll be eating Value Meals for the next 37 years to make up for the expense.

Don’t say that you came into an unexpected windfall of cash and want to buy the ‘Bee. Your wife will have plans for all of it before you can punch the “Buy it Now” button on eBay.

‘Course, if you get busted, don’t come running to us. We’ll deny everything.

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