In Search of Stoplight Drags

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TheBruntBros park the Mopar Action pickup at a motel somewhere in the Midwest on their way back from California to New York.

Once in a while, we just can’t resist tooting our own horn. I mean we’ve assembled a staff here that is second to none as far as automotive journalists and photojournalists go.  We don’t have to go down the roster of our accomplished staffers and contributors to make my point. All I have to do is point to our star performers—Niklaus and Wilhelm Bruntczynowki a/k/a TheBruntBros.–our non-English speaking Polish mental giants that hang out here solely because they work cheaper than dirt.

Making do with their 1934 Kodak box camera TheBruntBros once again offer rock-solid proof for the theory of evolution. The interesting thing is that the Brunts seem to have evolved along a hitherto unknown line of primates, as evidenced by their mental development that pole vaults their level of human brain function to something that would be expected to appear around the 91st century. And if they weren’t contributing here, they’d probably be designing mass transportation systems for travel from Earth to planets in distant galaxies.

Their latest stroke of genius is a good case in point. We assigned them, through our Polish-speaking interpreter and night janitor, Mel Coznowski, to cover the stoplight drags action scene in the U.S. ‘Course we all know what “stoplight drags” means—and it has nothing to do with street racing (right?) which we don’t cover. But TheBruntBros, put a new spin on “stoplight drags” while arguably taking it to a level beyond anyone’s imagination—even ours.

Requisitioning the Mopar Action Ram pickup, the Brunts, box camera in hand (they both share one camera—one holding it, the other clicking the shutter—a technique they developed all on their own), the demonic duo ventured out in search of the aforementioned stoplight drags activity. They spent months plying the local highways and byways all over the U.S. looking for stoplight dragging action, and racking up huge expenses for the publisher in fuel bills, hotels, food and massage parlors in the process.

They returned with the results you see here.

Speaking through the aforementioned interpreter, the Brunts explained (Nik speaking Polish while Bill backed him up in sign language so we’d be sure to get the message), that, even though  their search for stoplight drags took them from coast to coast, and they were able to find late-night illegal power window racing (the fastest windows up and down), and  late-night illegal stop-rod contests (first car to come to a stop from a 40 MPH roll—the big tires are on the front), no one, it seems, engages in late-night (or otherwise) stoplight dragging.

So, they decided to prime the pump.

To get the action going, TheBruntBros plowed the Mopar Action parts-chaser pickup into the nearest stoplight, snapped it clean off its moorings and started dragging it around.  That was in San Diego, CA. They dragged the stoplight clear across the country, back to the MA World Headquarters in New York to encourage other Mo’fans to get into the stoplight drag action, so they could come back with a story. But alas, there were no Mo’fans to be found anywhere that were into dragging stoplights. Ergo, a lot of expenses but no story.

We were finally able to free the stoplight from the maws of the Ram with several good hard pulls with a backhoe, and we UPS’d the light, along with a tube of Krazy Glue, back to San Diego, where the local authorities were looking for it.

Our next assignment for TheBruntBros was supposed to be a Ram test of the ‘20 Ram pickup. But at the moment, we’re having second thoughts.

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